Oitenta Sintomas da Doença.

É uma estreia neste blog. Uma citação. Mas é merecida. Retrata fielmente aquilo que, a acontecer a um expatriado na China, significa que é altura de voltar para casa. Não quis traduzir, para manter o valor da originalidade. Ao autor, algum expat como eu, o meu reconhecimento fraternal pelo rigor na descrição da realidade.

You Know You've Lived in China Too Long When...
	1. You’re at an expensive western restaurant and don’t even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his cell phone 2. You enjoy karaoke 3. You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio 4. The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism 5. You smoke in crowded elevators. 6. All white people look the same to you 7. You like the smell of the bus. 8. You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly 9. You no longer need tissues to blow your nose 10. You find western toilets uncomfortable 11. You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person) 12. You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy 13. You think a 30 year old woman who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute 14. A sexual pervert is a man who prefers women to money. 15. It’s OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window 16. You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times will make it move faster 17. You aren’t aware that one is supposed to pay for software 18. You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown 19. You tell your parents their house back in your home country has bad feng shui 20. You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off 21. You always leave tray and trash on the table when you are in Starbucks because you insisted it is the way to keep everyone employed 22. You buy an XXXL T-shirt in store when you returned home 23. You take large sum of cash whenever you go hospital in home country 24. You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on the restaurant floor 25. You think it’s silly to buy a new bike when it’ll get stolen soon and stolen bikes are half the price. 26. You’d rather pay the 10 yuan for an all night stay at the internet cafe than the 30 for a taxi home. 27. You feel cheated if you don’t receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut 28. You blow your nose or spit on the restaurant floor (of course after making a loud hocking noise) 29. You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue 30. It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off 31. It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting 32. You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes 33. You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue 34. You believe everything you read in the local newspaper 35. You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags 36. You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different. 37. You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb 38. You look over people’s shoulder to see what they are reading 39. You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk 40. When car accidents become a source of heartwarming humour 41. When shopping at Carrefour some laowai stares you down for catching you looking into his basket while you wonder to yourself what laowai’s eat 42. You have figured out that it is actually the Taiwanese who are running this country 43. You have a pinky fingernail an inch long 44. You burp in any situation and don’t care 45. You start to watch CCTV9 and feel warm and comforted by the governments great work 46. You think Pizza Hut is high-class and worth queueing for 47. You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them 48. When you are able to jump the queue because the idiot laowai left 2 centimeters between themself and the person in front of them 49. You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules 50. You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai 51. You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle 52. The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card 53. You think no car is complete without a tissue box on the rear shelf and a feather duster in the trunk 54. You go to the local shop in pajamas 55. When looking out the window, you think “Wow, so many trees!” instead of “Wow, so much concrete!” 56. Pollution, what pollution? 57. You think “white pills, blue pills, and pink powder” is an adequate answer to the question “What are you giving me, doctor?” 58. Someone doesn’t stare at you and you wonder why 59. Firecrackers don’t wake you up 60. Your family stops asking when you’ll be coming back 61. You wear out your vehicle’s horn before its brakes 62. You buy a top-of-the-line karaoke machine 63. Forks feel funny 64. Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals 65. You get homesick for Chinese food when away from China 66. You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, “Go away; leave me alone.” 67. All the top-level government officials you befriended for guanxi purposes when you first arrived are retired and living in your country 68. After being in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which hospital to take you to 69. Your company offers you a job in your native land, and includes regular “Home Leave” to China as an incentive 70. You think of “salad” as diced apples in mayonnaise 71. You don’t bother to take the sticker off the lenses of your fake Ray-Bans 72. You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs 73. Your handshake is weakening by the day 74. You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves. 75. Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat 76. You and a friend get on a bus, sit at opposite ends of the bus, and continue your conversation by yelling from one end to the other 77. You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign 78. You like the taste of Green Tea and Chivas 79. You start recognising the chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver 80. You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you